Your Help Not Wanted

To: Big Law Firm where current Supreme Court Chief Justice John Roberts used to work
From: Some Guy
Re: Leave me alone

Listen, fellas, I get it already.

I applied for a job with you during OCI back in September. That was eight months ago. I never heard from you, so I used my keen powers of deduction and deduced that I didn’t get an interview. And if I didn’t get an interview, I figured I didn’t get the job. If law school has taught me anything, it’s honed my reasoning skills.

Don’t you think I figured it out? If so, then why did I received four letters from you this week telling me that you don’t have a position for me? That’s right – four letters. Four. Is there any particular reason you wrote me four letters? I realize spending $1.56 on postage means nothing to a big law firm, but maybe you could have spent it on, I don’t know, a box of paper clips?

In any case, I don’t really care about the money and I know you don’t either. I just don’t want you to keep sending me letters. I get it. I’m not working there. I don’t need to be reminded of this fact every single day for the rest of my life. Four letters was enough. In fact, one would’ve been just fine. Are you trying to rub it in my face?

Frankly, I had totally forgotten that I even applied to you. Through OCI or other ways, I’ve probably sent out more than 100 resumes and I doubt I could list more than 20 of the places I applied to.

Oh, and that survey you asked me to fill out and return (using my own stamp and envelope), the one in which I have to tell you my race and what position I applied for so you can fulfill some government contractors requirement? Um, no, I’m not sending that back to you.